And the Tears – Johanna

I. and if i could choose to do it all again i would change my eyes. and my body, which seems oddly out of place. eyes burn fire in the  mirror. grey-fired eyes. nevertheless it screams out truth. i know who i am and yet i don’t know who i am. it’s the paradox of being human. not image of god and being human simultaneously, no, that’s not really a mystery since it can be easily explained away. sinner and saint, nice concept that. but the idea that we know ourselves in full and yet not fully seems more interesting to me—

II. she sits in the mirror eyes burning grey fire and nothing has changed. leastways nothing significant or new. same body. same eyes. same damn thing. everything the same, depressing and frustrating. sighs and climbs into the shower—she can’t stand the mirror, mirror on the wall, tell us who’s most fucked of all—

III. i’ve always kind of loved theology. it’s always been a safe space for me and my antics. lately it’s been keenly put in front of me that in some spheres heresy is even a good thing. which, based on my past i guess, i find horribly ironic and freeing. but theology is a safe haven. whatever. a theology raised me. a theology of self-doubt and awareness of my own sinfulness. by sin nature tainted me too deeply, my thoughts, emotions, not trustworthy—

IV. she gets out of the shower and towels off her too short hair. too short. too butch. too un-femme. but you know, it happens. and then she moves down her body. takes the towel down her body. her flat chest because not enough hormones happened during puberty she guesses. arches her back and thrusts forward to towel her back down. then dry off the unpleasant parts of her and feel shame—

V. i’m a sinner i guess. too unsure to see myself fully and can’t know myself truly—
she feels feminine but not fully—
and i know the truth is that i am a sinner but i don’t—
and her body doesn’t scream out woman or true—
i’m so unsure of myself and i thought theology was safe for a homeschooler where you can glorify god all the fucking time—
she puts on her clothes—
and i know this only despite my sinful heart—
and she feels like the person she should be—

Johanna is a trans girl trying to accept herself and learning to write.